From the first page that you should look to, your goverments consular advice:
Crimea, do not travel
We advise against all travel here due to the very high risk. If you do travel, you should typically seek professional security advice. Be aware that regular travel insurance policies will be void and that the Australian Government is unlikely to be able to provide consular assistance.
(Emphasis mine, but basically I would like to highlight all of that text.)
As you say the problem of providing consular assistance stems from the fact that Crimea is not recognized as Russian territory by Australia. The same holds for any other UN member nation, except Afghanistan, Cuba, Kyrgyzstan, Nicaragua, North Korea, Syria and Venezuela. Now I'm not sure how friendly your government is with the Nicaraguans, but I find it unlikely that the North Koreans will issue you a temporary passport should you loose yours at the beach. Note that the Smarttraveller advice for Crimea is:
If you are unable to leave, avoid demonstrations and large public gatherings.
And even within Ukraine your consulate would only issue documents for emergency travel to your embassy in Warsaw:
Australia has an Embassy in Kyiv, as well as a Consulate, headed by an Honorary Consul. The Consulate should be approached in the first instance for all routine consular enquiries. The Australian Embassy in Warsaw manages passport matters for the Consulate in Kyiv. The Consulate in Kyiv is able to issue Provisional Travel Documents for emergency travel to our Embassy in Warsaw, and is able to receive passport renewal applications and send them to Warsaw for processing (the wait time can be several weeks). The Consulate does not issue Australian passports.
If @Doc in his +1ed comments and this has not convinced you yet, let me summarize:
Do not count on any consular assistance available to you.
If you are concerned about access to consular assistance, it is a stupid idea to consider travel to Crimea at this moment, given especially that you have previously demonstrated being of the more risk-averse type, being concerned about alcohol exclusions in your travel insurance policy and lack of manhole covers in Mongolia. Be aware that no standard travel insurance policy will cover Crimea at this moment.