UPDATE as at September 28, 2019:
Effective today, Saudi Arabia has started issuing tourist visas to the nationals of 49 countries, including Canada (which was the country originally being asked about in this question)
eVisas can be obtained via the official Saudi Visa Website, or on arrival in Saudi via a kiosk, at a cost of around US$125.
Realistically, you probably can't - at least, not at the moment.
Saudi Arabian visas are incredibly difficult to get. As you've said, there is no Tourist visa, and presumably you don't qualify for a Hajj visa (and even if you did, they only allow entry to specific areas and on specific dates - you can't travel within the country).
In general, the only visa a Canadian could get to access the country generally would be a business visa - but the chances of getting one of these without a valid business reason is basically zero. The paperwork required to justify your application is significant, as are the costs (my last Saudi visa cost over US$1600). All applications need to be done via an authorized agent, of which there are only a few - and as you've discovered several parts of the process need to be completed in Arabic.
The Saudi government stated in 2013 that they were going to start issuing tourist visas to citizens of select countries, however to date this has not started - with the latest estimates being by the end of 2019. However even if that occurs, Canada was not on the published list of countries that were to be included - although that could well change by the time they start issuing visas.